After finishing up with two virtual PT sessions this morning, I happened to stumble across a video of me first learning how to snatch from five years ago. It. Is. Ugly. But even though I narrowly avoided decapitating myself in the process, a Cheshire cat sized smile splits across my face once I stood up. I DID it! How fucking cool?! Way to go baby Lauren; the future Lauren is proud of you for showing up and giving it a go (because I wouldn’t be here, where I’m at now, if you (I) hadn’t).
How often do we look back and give ourselves credit? How often do we take a second to reassess and realize that while we might feel like we’re drowning right now, we’re better for the struggle? Right now, the world is upended in panic. Financial panic, emotional panic, mental panic and familial panic…it’s a fucking lot. But for a good chunk of us, this isn’t the worst thing we’ve been through (and if it is, welcome to the fuckin’ club). Sure, I’m stressed the hell out about finances (“how the fuck is rent getting paid” is a common theme in my brain) but I can walk this year, I can get myself up stairs without assistance, and a slew of other shit that I couldn’t do 6 years ago. Now, that is not discounting my (or your) current fears, apprehension, or panic. This is just a moment of gratitude for my brain allowing me to be present in the small, joyful things right now.
So, I’m going to ride this rare wave of so-called “Feel Good” and continue on with gratitude: my coffee was spot on, my clients killed it this week, I finally got a roommate (blessings be), and despite all the moments that have added up to this morning’s little spurt of happiness, last night, I got low. I went to bed sad, disheartened, and I definitely cried myself to sleep. So, let me reiterate this for anyone struggling… it is o-fucking-kay to struggle, to cry, to rage and to find moments of quietness that allow you to come back to yourself. If it’s a facemask and bubble bath, screaming, singing something that shakes your very soul and rips through the fibers of emotional shield you tried to carefully to put up…whatever it is. I am imploring you to do something for you today, like I have before.
I’m hoping that when we look back this COVID era will be a moment that we’re grateful that we showed up, that we survived, that we walked through this time period with grace, grit, and patience. While we might feel like the image below, I’m holding steadfast to the idea that “it can’t be like this forever.”
So, what were those moments for you? The moments where you were sure you wouldn’t survive but did. The lesson that almost killed you, but now you can think of it with appreciation. If you got through those moments, how do you see yourself at the end of COVID? Where will you be?
(Now, a note: I am well aware that this is an incredibly privileged piece of word-vomit. Domestics are up, there are people stuck at home in un-safe environments, and the world literally feels like it’s burning. I’ve provided links below for hotlines that you can call, unfortunately that is all I can do from afar. But, there are people here who care, love, and want to help.
Links:
Text HOME to 741741 to reach a Crisis Counselor
https://www.crisistextline.org/text-us/?msclkid=c5bf2879163b1f7779c776e0c57479c8
https://www.crisistextline.org/topics/suicide/?msclkid=bc49bfdf561c1b030ddde14685b1ddb6
THE BUNKER 