I am convinced that at no point in life are we humans rigid and iron like. When we are at our best, or at our worst, we are still impressionable. We are always changing. This is what I like the most about being human, we are never the same. The person you are today is not the person you will become in 5 months, or years.
Our goals, ideals, beliefs, will change. Our entire personhood will adapt to what we choose to pursue.
While I sit here, I know that I am not the same as I was at 18, nor at 21, nor at 25. Thank the gods. And neither were you. Intrinsically, we know this. We know we will change. We know when we pick out partner, maybe your spouse, that over the duration of your relationship you both will change. But, in the same breath that we welcome change, growth, self-development, we somehow shut it out when it comes to our goals in the gym. Be it strength, speed, sport, whatever…we have this awful knack of getting ourselves pigeon-holed into one idea of what we should be, should do, or should like.
I will never discourage someone from running. I myself, laughably now, used to be a runner. I was fast. 6-minute mile, 13-minute two mile, and I loved sprints. Really, I fell in love with running in college. Part of it was the friend that I would run with (a speed demon who cleared an 11-minute 2-mile time…obviously the unit badass and she was admired by all) she encouraged (and bribed) me into these long runs with friendship and food (bagels to be exact). The other part of it was loving the fact that I could keep up with the boys, and every now and then dust them. In college, this was a new version of myself.
In high school, I was the band kid. Seriously.
Marching band, jazz band, wind ensemble, orchestra, all county, musical theater (mostly in the pit) etc. If it was music related, I was in it. But, my identity as an athlete evaporated when I decided to jump full into music with the hopes of going to college for music performance and education. When I got into Penn State (and their marching band program) I felt secured in my path. My identity as a musician felt a little more secure. I had somewhere to belong. But, the reality was I was a broke kid who couldn’t afford it. I had to shift gears. While I was upset at the time, it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I remember, in the midst of PT one morning, seeing a vaguely defined quad for the first time…and I lost my ever-loving mind. My poor roommate was made to look at it at least 15 times and had to deal with my bursting self-satisfaction that “I had muscle.” Luckily, we went to high school together so she didn’t kill me in the process of 0430 PT wake up times or when I would come back from the field and pass out on our floor from exhaustion.
I lived for it.
And being good at it (with a 300+ PT score) brought me all the satisfaction I never knew I could bring myself. Physically, I found out that I could actually “go” and for the first time, I was considered athletic.
But, then my back broke, I spiraled, and my dream of commissioning into the Army washed down the drain.
At this point, that was the most athletic I had ever been.
And then it was gone.
I never saw myself as the athlete, that was a title I reserved for my sister (a D2 volleyball player who could have played D1) and my brothers. I was the self-proclaimed introvert, the nerd, the one who “mom’d.”
It wasn’t until after the back injury that I began to train (read: lift weights). Somewhere down the line I got sucked into the world of bodybuilding (I had no business being on stage at the time but, I’m glad I did it), and then from there I got into weightlifting, and at the heckling of another coach who claimed I “would never be strong” I jumped into powerlifting. Big ole pffffffftttt to you, dude.
If I were to write a letter to myself at 18, I don’t know that I would believe that I would have accomplished what I have. Not just the gym, but the industry I’m in. First off, my degree is in Anthropology and International Studies. I studied/study Arabic for fun, I’ve competed nationally in powerlifting and now I’m dabbling in BJJ. 18 year old Lauren would never believe that I would be openly challenge people, be outspoken, or be this dedicated about my goals, my opinions, and my values.
All of this to say, when you plot your goals for your aesthetic, your strength, how you want to look…understand that they will change. Like the seasons, what is ideal for you will shift. I wanted to be the skinny one (read: small, cute, popular, thigh gap with long pretty hair) and now…I want to be dynamic, witty, sassy, a powerhouse who can squat a house. I’m still the kind, inwardly shy, little self-conscious kid I was at 18. But now, I’m not afraid to be all of me. I embrace the change of goals and dreams, I learn as I go, I’m okay with fucking up here and there (not too often…I’m still type A), and I’m okay with doing things inspite of being scared.
So, embrace your current goals but know they may shift. And when they do…I hope you run headlong into the winds of change and jump when you have the chance.
In sarcasm, salt, and honey,
LP
THE BUNKER 