In all honesty, I was not expecting the response I got to my last piece. In fact, I honestly expected it to float under the radar and then sit in the purgatory that is my blog site. Dusty and unread.
But after the overwhelming response to the last article, I found myself contemplating all the times I’ve stood in my own way, and subsequently asked myself: “how many times have I blocked my own blessings?” Was it due to fear or due to “someone else already doing this?” A few years ago, I had the chance to have a call with someone I admire greatly and something she said stuck with me (and while I will paraphrase this badly, it went something like: “It doesn’t matter if there are 10,000 people doing the same thing you are. People who align with your values, or see themselves in you, will always work with you. There are thousands of people doing what I do, yet here I am. And here you are.” – Neghar Fooni.
I have pushed back at many things over the course of my time at Soldierfit. I pushed back against The Workout Wednesday videos, I pushed back against the podcast, I pushed back about this blog, etc etc etc. I’ve pushed back so many times I’m surprised (and grateful) that Danny continues to push ideas my way. Now, I am a fantastic creator for other people. You give me an idea and I will build it out down to the final detail. If Field of Dreams was ever watched in your house, I am the embodiment of “I will build it.” The issue is, I don’t put forth the same energy into my own goals or aspirations.
Why?
Well, who would want to listen to me? I’m a 28-year-old kid. What can I say that hasn’t already been said, what can I teach that hasn’t already been taught? But inspite of that internal quip, I’ve realized over the last few days (with months of build up) that maybe it doesn’t matter. The biggest disservice I can do for others, is not show up for myself.
Right now, I am overwhelmed with immense gratitude. As in, “my stomach hurts and I’ve cried twice already and it’s only 10:30 am, damn it.”
Why?
This morning (while folding shirts and knocking out my Arabic drills like the nerd that I am) a member approached me and said, “you know, your writing is a blessing.” And I was in such shock I didn’t know what to say. Something I almost didn’t post had THAT kind of impact? The response to my little blog all but knocked me on my ass, but that? A blessing?! I choked back tears as they walked away and was left reconciling the memories of the morning, I turned 26 and how I wanted nothing more than to end everything. I did not feel purposeful, who was I helping? Was I just taking up space? Recklessly taking up the oxygen that someone more ‘productive’ could use? That abyss and I have an intimate relationship, and the only reason it didn’t swallow me whole when I broke my back was because I was too hardheaded to fall in.
And then this morning, someone took the time to tell me they admired my work, my writing, my voice, and they thought it was “a blessing.” Now, that may not resonate with all of you but, I grew up in a Mormon and Catholic household. My Grandfather is a Mormon Bishop. While I, jokingly, call myself a heathen because my faith and I have always been at odds. I grew up in church, in faith. Someone calling me, or my work, a blessing, is about as affirming as it can get to me. The reality is, 9 times out of 10 I discount the things I do, and I’m sure you do too, because “everyone would do this.” I do not see anything that I do as special, it’s just my personality to want to help and fill in the cracks in foundations, education, etc. I figure that if I want to do it everyone must, right?
But I, the unyielding optimist, cannot fathom my actions being anything but small nudges to gently push people along their journey. What I do can’t be that different from other people, right?
I never expected these quick little videos or my blog to mean anything. To be honest, when Danny told me to start writing I didn’t know why he wanted me to. Some days I still don’t. But on a morning that is laced with snow, a kind compliment, and me diving into my own thoughts, I hope you all reconcile the fact that you are needed, your voice is needed, your actions matter and have impact, and that maybe we aren’t where we want to be because we are standing in our own way.
Maybe, you need to stop blocking your blessings.
With love, salt, and honey,
LP
THE BUNKER 